Chapter XIX: Crazy as a Coconut

Somewhere in the Between
Article I: Life, the Universe, and Everything


i. Don't Panic/Forget to Bring a Towel.


ii. the universe contains a finite amount of life and infinite amount of space. any number divided by infinity is zero, therefore the population of the universe is zero and any one found within it is merely the product of a delusional imagination. however, if there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it shot dead. 


iii. Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again..' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

Soliloquy V: Thrice the Third Time

Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time;

y'all knocked her up. 

I have tasted of the maggots 

in the mind of the Universe 

and was not offended. 

For I knew: 

I must rise above it all
or drown in my own shit.  

-Ford Prefect

Article XXXXII: Everything else 

i. actually, Meth doesn't help you hook up. the best drink in existence, is in fact the Pan Galactic Gargle-Blaster. the effect of which are like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick.

ii. Pluto isn't actually really a planet. on Earth, we figured this out around 400 years after we discovered the Earth was not in fact the center of the Universe, how to flush toilets, and invented the pencil.

iii. Scientology has its own yacht. E-Meters read positive that it flies in space. 

iv. Wasabi has a distinct taste difference to Guacamole. However, if you mix in some tomato and onion, its probably hard to tell the difference visually. Furthermore, a little sign with "This is in fact Guacamole" printed in nice friendly letters, it will probably completely dispel any visual, and literally legitimately literate, disbelievers. 

v. you can only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent. If that doesn't work for you, you'll just have to play with yourself. the  solution to the riddle of the sound of one hand clapping is probably masturbation.

vi. there is no business like show business. be it Green Screen or iambic pentameter, these people are just ridiculous. Google, however, can provide you with the script to Hamlet. in case the infinite number of monkeys hadn't worked it out yet. 

vii. Luck, as it turns out, is a real lady. likewise; Fate is a sour old bastard, Chance is a charming little girl, and ironically Destiny always gets whats coming to her. 

viii. when life hands you lemons, make lemonade and sell it right back with obscene mark ups. 

ix. meaning, as it turns out, is not something found, but created. faith, as it turns out, is not something given, but held. life, as it turns out, is not something understood, but lived. 

x. i'm not entirely sure, but i think my bones will be gone before the Styrofoam cup i threw away today.  

Chapter XVIII: an Actor Out Alone

Nowhere

Playbill: ONE-MAN HAMLET

The Cast:

i. Hamlet...                          ...as Himself

ii. Claudius (the King)...      ...Stabbed/Poisoned

iii. Gertrude (the Queen)...            ...Poisoned

iv. Ophelia (the Rook)...                ...Drowned

v. Polonius (the Bishop)......Dead for a Ducat/Dead

vi. Laertes (the Knight)...    ... Poisoned/Stabbed

vii. Ghost (King).....(Foul and Unnatural Murder)ed

viii. Rozencrantz (the Pawn)...             ...Dead

ix. Guildenstern (the Pawn)...              ...Dead

x. Horatio/Tragedians/Pawns...        ..also Hamlet

About the Cast:

A Slaughterhouse -Eight corpses all told! Real Horror-show like. It's what actors do best. They have to exploit whatever talent is given to them, and their talent is dying. They can die heroically, comically, ironically, slowly, suddenly, disgustingly, charmingly, or from a great height.

About the Author:

The Works of William Shakespeare are credited to the Earl of Oxford, Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, the Earl of Derby, William Shakespeare, and myself (depending on who you talk to).'William Shakespeare' appears in various spellings 6 times in a handwriting discontinued since the 1700s (see Ch. X). All things considered, it can be agreed the author is about as Dead as Elvis.

About the Director: 

Yeah, what about him?

The Play: ONE MAN HAMLET

Act I: Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

Enter Hamlet.

Ham: There we were: demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance- Oh that this too, too solid flesh would meld, thaw and resolve itself into a dew! And every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air; we ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened! Don't you see? We're actors... We share an addiction: we're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch, the hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah, look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy! We follow directions. There is no choice involved. We pledged our identities, secure in the conventions of our trade, that someone would be watching. And then, gradually, no one was. We were caught, high and dry. It was not until after the murderer's long soliloquy that we were able to look around:

Reaching your head with the cold, 
sudden fury of a divine messenger

Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of God

Wandering, Wandering in hopeless night:

Out here in the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we IS stoned
Immaculate.

Blue Curtain.

Act II: The Death of a Salesman (Top of 16)

Enter Hamlet. 
He Fights. 
Collapses. 

Ham: In our experience, most things end in Death. Deaths for all ages and occasions! Deaths by suspension, convulsion, consumption, incision, execution, asphyxiation and malnutrition-! Climactic carnage, by poison and by steel-! 

Double deaths by duel-! So there's an end to that- it's commonplace: the rest is silence...

No.. no.. not for us, not like that. There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreampt of in your philosophy: 

I'm talking about Death- and you've never experienced that. 
And you cannot act it. You die a thousand casual deaths- with none of that intensity which squeezes out life... and no blood runs cold anywhere. Because even as you die you know that you will come back in a different hat!
But no one gets up after death- there is only silence and some second-hand clothes, and that's death! Dying is not romantic, and death is not a game which will soon be over... 

Death is not anything. 

Death is not.

It's the absence of presence, nothing more:

the endless time of never coming back, a gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it, it makes no sound.

Dies.

Black Curtain. 

ACT III: The Undiscovered Country (Thrity-Eight)

Enter Hamlet in different hat. 

Ham: I have heard, that guilty creatures sitting at a play have, by the very cunning of the scene, been struck so to the soul that presently that have claimed their malefactions. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are: fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ. The bad end unhappily, the good, unluckily. That is what tragedy means. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come? When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause:




There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. Shine on you crazy diamond, grunt and sweat under a weary life! Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, the enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I would more willingly part withal. 
Except my life. 
Except my life. 
Except my life. 
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.  

Red Curtain.

This is NOT an Exit. 

Repeat. 

Chapter XVII: Rockin' and a Rolling

Everywhere

Article I: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

This was civilization as I saw it, colossal and jagged…

        …where there was nature and earth, life and water, I saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. It was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. This was what I could understand, this was how I lived my life, what I constructed my movement around, how I dealt with the tangible. This was the geography around which my reality revolved:

i. it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one’s taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another person’s love or kindness. 

ii. Nothing was affirmative, the term “generosity of spirit” applied to nothing, was a cliché, some kind of bad joke. 

iii. Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. 

iv. What does intelligence signify? Define reason. Desire- meaningless. 

v. Intellect is not a cure. 

vi. Justice is dead. 

vii. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. 

viii. Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. 

ix. God is not alive. 

x. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in... 

There are no more barriers to cross. 

xi. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. 

xii. Is evil something you are? Or something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape.

xiii. But even after admitting this, and I have in just about every act I've committed- and coming face to face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge of myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing...

-P.B.

For there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

-E.O. 

Chapter XVI: We Got Fun and Games

Puna
Article I: overdoing it (a bit)

i. air-conditioning in December.

ii. Hawaiian shoreline is public access. that means that you can visit all the 'Resort' beaches free of charge if you live here. also, due to volcanic activity, there are Black and Green sand beaches on the Big Island. because God forbid normal sand isn't impressive enough.

iii. when on said beaches; don't be surprised if your wallet and phone are returned to you unscathed before you realize you lost them.

iv. three flags great America, where the fun doesn't really feel like getting off the couch today.

v. yes, holiday jingles are still played on the radio. somewhat ironically, it completely kills the mood.

vi. Christmas lights and giant inflatable snow people and Santa Claus' in Volcano National Park.

vii. sea turtles, monk seals, and other such marine wildlife have State and Federally protected 'personal bubbles' of 15-20 ft. please; do not ride the sea turtles.

xiii. Fuzzy, expensive, fashionable winter boots. when its eighty degrees and raining.

ix. todays fire risk level: EXTREME!!!

x.  Monarch butterflies. they migrate all the way across the Pacific Ocean just to be here. i haven't the slightest idea how. besides flying obviously.

xi. archipelago is pronounced with a short A and not a long one. don't believe it? look it up.

x. can you count suckas? i say THE FUTURE is ours- IF you can count!

Soliloquy(s) 3/4th: Far Mid-Quest

I feel ancient, as though I had

Lived many lives. 

And may never now know

If I am a fool

Or have done what my

               karma demands. 

  -G.S.

God give them wisdom that have it; 

and those who are fools 

let them use their talents. 

  -E.O. 

Chapter XV: Standing in their Shoe

Fern Acres

Article I: eating, drinking, and being merry

i. you can get anything that you want, at Alice's Restaurant. 

ii. sea-food is naturally better, quite logically, the closer you are to the sea. however, for whatever astronomical reasons, its not naturally or logically cheaper. 

iii. that being said invest all available funds into fine Sushi when able. 

iv. you have about 16 hours of straight listening time for every GB of music you have. if you have (and you may) a device with 8-120 GB of music; you have approximately anywhere in between 128 and 1,920 hours of pure listening quality good stuff. this device of course, may be your phone. 

iv. 'niller coke is can be the endeavor to track down on the West Coast and equally so on the Big Island. when all else fails, pure vanilla extract mixed in regular Coca-Cola is more or less the exact same thing with the right ratio.

v. be creative. be adventurous. with dinner of course. good food makes you feel good, and something that sounds crazy is probably going to taste crazy. if it smells crazy you may want to leave it alone, but if it looks crazy; mark it off as pop culinary art as long as its at least dead. 

vi. as it is late November, the sun goes down around five or six here. it rises somewhere opposite, and for that early morning kick, coffee serves its purpose almost the same as it did on the mainland. when looking to write a gonzo journal in the tropics, your other ingredients aren't far off either. 

vii. the Breakfast of Champions however, is a bowl of Wheaties Breakfast Cereal or a Martini depending on who you ask. the phrase on the other hand, is somehow trademarked so i just wanted to throw it in here to get myself sued once the internet pays me billions for doing this shit. 

viii. spicy. I don't mean 'heat'. I mean 'burn'. I'm not saying 'sweat'. I'm saying 'cry'. 

ix. when all else fails, your stomachs full, your drink is drunk; go throw yourself at danger for a bit. its not too hard. there's a whole world out there. once the adrenaline wears off, you will be completely content and well off just being alive. 

x. after a long days rockin, slip off your shoes. do alittle stretch, and a bend. dip your toes in the jacuzzi baby. take out this book: The Back Country. whoa, whoa, whoa: who the fuck is Gary Snyder? 

Soliloquy II: Far Mid-West

seconds like a minute

like a metronome for millennium

or moments
for the millions of sands

held within the hourglass 

thats held inside your hands 

that tick so beautifully you lovely thing

i stare at you for hours for the love you bring 

like a song that sings upon the hour

you crumble like the sun

you shine just like a flower

you love just like its vengeance

and you left me here debating
why you left me like the hours

 i spent watching you and waiting for 

the time

the time

rock it to the rhyme

break out of sentimental lyrics and rock it like its fine

forget what you may think of it and remember the opinion that is mine

in the papers

 news

and pages

like here we are now

entertain us

plagiarizing like its contagious

because this shit might be dangerous

because this life will be the death of me

so reincarnation can have whats left of me

because Jesus stole my chastity

but forget it like credit

like i blew it all on drugs

which i then cut up with debit

this may be over the line

but to be fair i never said it

to be fair i never inked it 

so let your printer take the credit. 

-Harry Le Sabre

Happy Black Friday: sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens!

Chapter XIV: Livin In America

Mountain View

Article I: Survival

i. at this point i hope you can do the whole "Roman Numeral" thing. life is hard for us one child left behind children, so at this point you might want a college degree. however, this can be acquired via high speed internet nowadays available at many local laundry-mats, so if your homeless, at least have a laptop. regardless of where we stand, we're probably still on Facebook. 

ii. yes; the Bastard States are still part of U.S. say what you want about Alaska, but the Hawaiian Islands have a revolutionary history, and have only been adopted to the family for 51 years. although, as a special History Geek Side Note: we have had Pearl Harbor for 135 years as a Military Base, which of course was bombed 18 years before Hawaii became a State (equivalent to Guantanamo Bay getting air-raided today), which of course was our Lusitania to the Second World War, or as the Royal We like to call it; the 'Not-So-Great War'. fact check that as you will. 

iii. the Hawaiian language has only seven consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, and W). this makes the language much, much easier. take for instance the state fish; Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. piece of cake. say it with me: 

Humuhumunukunukuapua'a...

iv. its not that people are lazy here in the Hawaiian Islands. its just that We've never heard a love ballad about not doing anything all day on the local radio. 

v. Hawai'i, the island, is the biggest island at the size of Connecticut. rains are tropical. so is the sun. pack: sun-screen (waterproof), board-shorts, standard medical supplies, your Chief Science Officer, lots and lots of cheap bread from off Island, surf board (2 per person max), a good Eel hacking knife, a 'good luck' beaver, rain poncho, mosquito repellent, white flannel trousers (one pair), and at least a good book or two. but trust me on the sun screen. 

vi. Vog. ever heard of it? i had to look it up. sulfur dioxide, which of course spills from Kilauea (thats our friendly local Volcano) at 2, 500 tons per day, reacts with sunlight, oxygen, dust particles and water in the air to form a mixture of sulfate aerosols, sulfuric acid and other oxidized sulfur compounds. why should you care? why don't you tell me? 

vii. its not that the Island is only 1/3 'white'. its not that the Island only has 698 'black' people. its not that 26.7% of the Island population is 'Asian'. its that the population of the Island is roughly a third of Madison. however you want to look at, its kind of hard to be 'the minority' seeing as 'the majority' is kind of a joke. although it should be said; your probably still a haole. 

viii. there is no "day light savings time" here. thats right. despite common belief, the sun has not gone out, God has not turned these people into pillars of salt, and life in the Hawaiian Islands continues even more normal than on the mainland where you have to wake up after midnight and change your clocks twice a year. here, the Islands run on something called "Hawaiian Time" (see iv.), but keep in mind a broken clock still reads the correct time twice daily. don't you feel in control now, hmmm?

ix. there is a large Bob Marley influence on the Islands. therefore all radio stations will play a popular hit, followed by a Bob Marley cover/version Hawaiian Style, then another hit song, and then a Bob Marley original. this repeats all day; everyday. 

x. hopefully by this point you've realized We're going with the whole "intelligent fool" thing rather than the "scrap everything and become a genius" option. 

Enter Character(s) X: Freaks of Nature

These two too true Freaks from the Kickapoo Valley arrived here after proper scouting excursions to set up base camp ,complete with a travel guides, purely for the purpose that your humble narrator wouldn't have to. They now work on improving their 'eco-friendly' sustainable homestead, striking home the message that if your going to drop off the grid: at least have high speed internet. 

Tedd will occasionally be caught in paradise wearing full sleeved clothing due to mosquitoes.

Noelle aims to get her Grateful Dead Bear "Hawai'fied".

Diggitty is partially deaf and can't climb onto newly varnished porches.  

Kila knows when Diggitty is getting attention that was meant for her.

All of the above are kama'aina. That's right. Look it up. I had to. 

Adventurize with Character(s) X.

Article II: initial disappointments

i. firstly; its spelled 'lei'. secondly; it is not some local tradition that all the local natives swarm the large machine that just appeared from the sky only to serenade you with ukuleles and shower your neck with flowers. it really is a paid service that you have to arrange beforehand. so anyone hoping to crack the joke they got 'leied' the moment they set foot on Hawaiian soil might want to keep that in mind. 

ii. yes, palm trees grow in clusters. despite what California's well lined boardwalks would have you believe. 

iii. there are no native large land animals here. besides people obviously. you will find horses and ranches, but the largest purely wild mammal here is the mongoose. actually funny story behind that actually (see below).

iv. funny story behind the mongoose: like the Cane Toad in Australia, the mongoose was introduced to the Hawaiian Islands to help combat the rats eating the sugar cane. of course, the paradox being that rats decimated the sugar cane nocturnally, whereas the mongoose hunt by day. hence, the mongoose ignored the rats decimating the sugar cane and began to spread through the islands and decimate the exclusively local song bird population. go U.S. 

v. lava souvenirs are not sold in Gift Shops. in fact, not only is it a crime to remove any sand, coral, or lava rocks from the Hawaiian Islands, there's also a curse against it. 

vi. grass skirts and coconut bras are not as common on the Hawaiian Islands as you may, or may not have, hoped. 

vii. local haole's are even more dismissive and hostile to you for being a tourist than the actual natives who's families actually have been here for generations.

viii. you are still in America. McDonald's is here, alive and well; and in fact will serve you spam for breakfast. 

ix. there are tree frogs here, but as an invasive species, they aren't as well loved here as they are on the mainland. 

x. however surprisingly; there is no Inter-State Highway here in Hawaii. i'd guess there's probably not one in Alaska either. but i can't say so from personal experience. 

Chapter XIII: Somewhere, Over the Ocean

Hilo

Article I: getting there

i. Hawaiian Airlines. just trust me on this one. there may be trash barrages. there may be 7:30 am flights to Honolulu through Alaskan Air. they may even be working on some sort of teleportation system. At the end of the day, its probably at least a 5 hour flight through at least one time zone.

my advice would be go with the airline thats named after your destination. just a thought.

ii. The closer you can be to your destination (i.e. West Coast/Alaska) the shorter your flight will be. however, notate the time zone change (i.e. they already have for your arrival time), or be disappointed to find out your half way there when you thought you were about to land.

iii. Honolulu International is a half open air airport. this mean you will experience the warm humidity of the islands and probably see your first beautiful Hawaiian biology in the un-beautiful scenario of an airport.

iv. furthermore, you do not get the glorious birds eye view of the Islands you would hope for and expect. keep in mind the window is the size of your face, your thousands of feet up above thousands of miles of Pacific Ocean, and the sun will most likely be directly overhead, reflecting off the wing directly outside your window, and probably directly into your eyes.

v. on your flight over, you will learn several native words, like "aloha" (hello, goodbye, love) and "mahalo" (thank you), in their most patronizing of forms.

vi. there is a complementary meal (don't get exited) and many, many complementary drinks from the fully equipped beverage cart. although there are hundreds of people on your flight and maybe four complementary bathrooms.

vii. there is an in-flight movie. they do rent you mini televisions with cable access and home movies. you can bring your own laptop. all things considered, don't be surprised when your sitting next to some one watching Sex in the City for five hours straight.

viii. once you reach the inner-Island flight, don't worry if your ticket doesn't have a seat assignment and just says "See Clerk". Just worry because you never noticed it before.

ix. ticket stand-by is not available for people who don't have the privilege of telling other people they work for the government.

x. there may certainly be a law out there about busking in the airport, however; apparently, there is no law on the Hawaiian Islands about sitting on the carpet by the gate and playing your guitar through important announcements.

Prelude: Genius of Creation

in Hilo

Any intelligent fool can make things

bigger,

more complex,

and more violent.

It takes a touch of genius

-- and a lot of courage --

to move in the opposite direction.

Albert Einstein

Exeunt all.

Chapter XII: Midnight in a Perfect World

Santa Cruz

Article III: Love and Loathing

i. then. how should I begin. to spit out the butt-end of my days and ways?

ii. it is impossible to say just what I mean! so how should I presume?

iii. Do I dare Disturb the Universe? to lead you to an overwhelming question... Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"

iv. I am no prophet and here's no great matter; politic, cautious, and meticulous, full of high sentence but a bit obtuse: at times, indeed, almost ridiculous. almost, at times, the Fool.

v. Do I Dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.

vi. and would it have been worth it, after all, would it have been worth while, after the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, after the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor- and this, and so much more?

vii. and the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! For I have known them all already, known them all: have known the mornings, evenings, afternoons, I have measured out my life in coffee spoons. No! I am no Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;

viii. and how should I presume? in a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets and watched the smoke that rises from the pipes of lonely men in shirt sleeves,

ix. before the taking of toast and tea. should I, after tea and cakes and ices, have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?

x. and indeed there will be time to wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?" time to turn back and descend the stair, but in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!

Solilioquy I: the Kesey Bible

No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. buy the ticket, take the ride . . .

and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well . . .

maybe chalk it off to forced consciousness expansion:

Tune in,

Freak out,

Get beaten.

-Raoul Duke

Article IV: The Far Side of Reality

i. what i really wanna know: what i really wanna say; I can't define.

ii. ineffable: adj. incapable of being expressed.

iii. nympholepsy: n. a frenzy of emotion, as for something unattainable.

iv. laconic: adj. using or marked by the use of a minimum of words.

v. what i really wanna say: is I've got mine.

vi. satori: n. sudden, indescribable, intuitive enlightenment.

vii. mana: n. a generalized, supernatural force, which may be concentrated in objects or persons.

viii. fossick: v. to search for any object by which to make gain.

ix. nepenthe: n. a drug or drink having the power to bring forgetfulness of sorrow or trouble.

x. what i really wanna say: is there's just one way back, and I'll make it, but my soul will have to wait.