Chapter XV: Standing in their Shoe

Fern Acres

Article I: eating, drinking, and being merry

i. you can get anything that you want, at Alice's Restaurant. 

ii. sea-food is naturally better, quite logically, the closer you are to the sea. however, for whatever astronomical reasons, its not naturally or logically cheaper. 

iii. that being said invest all available funds into fine Sushi when able. 

iv. you have about 16 hours of straight listening time for every GB of music you have. if you have (and you may) a device with 8-120 GB of music; you have approximately anywhere in between 128 and 1,920 hours of pure listening quality good stuff. this device of course, may be your phone. 

iv. 'niller coke is can be the endeavor to track down on the West Coast and equally so on the Big Island. when all else fails, pure vanilla extract mixed in regular Coca-Cola is more or less the exact same thing with the right ratio.

v. be creative. be adventurous. with dinner of course. good food makes you feel good, and something that sounds crazy is probably going to taste crazy. if it smells crazy you may want to leave it alone, but if it looks crazy; mark it off as pop culinary art as long as its at least dead. 

vi. as it is late November, the sun goes down around five or six here. it rises somewhere opposite, and for that early morning kick, coffee serves its purpose almost the same as it did on the mainland. when looking to write a gonzo journal in the tropics, your other ingredients aren't far off either. 

vii. the Breakfast of Champions however, is a bowl of Wheaties Breakfast Cereal or a Martini depending on who you ask. the phrase on the other hand, is somehow trademarked so i just wanted to throw it in here to get myself sued once the internet pays me billions for doing this shit. 

viii. spicy. I don't mean 'heat'. I mean 'burn'. I'm not saying 'sweat'. I'm saying 'cry'. 

ix. when all else fails, your stomachs full, your drink is drunk; go throw yourself at danger for a bit. its not too hard. there's a whole world out there. once the adrenaline wears off, you will be completely content and well off just being alive. 

x. after a long days rockin, slip off your shoes. do alittle stretch, and a bend. dip your toes in the jacuzzi baby. take out this book: The Back Country. whoa, whoa, whoa: who the fuck is Gary Snyder? 

Soliloquy II: Far Mid-West

seconds like a minute

like a metronome for millennium

or moments
for the millions of sands

held within the hourglass 

thats held inside your hands 

that tick so beautifully you lovely thing

i stare at you for hours for the love you bring 

like a song that sings upon the hour

you crumble like the sun

you shine just like a flower

you love just like its vengeance

and you left me here debating
why you left me like the hours

 i spent watching you and waiting for 

the time

the time

rock it to the rhyme

break out of sentimental lyrics and rock it like its fine

forget what you may think of it and remember the opinion that is mine

in the papers

 news

and pages

like here we are now

entertain us

plagiarizing like its contagious

because this shit might be dangerous

because this life will be the death of me

so reincarnation can have whats left of me

because Jesus stole my chastity

but forget it like credit

like i blew it all on drugs

which i then cut up with debit

this may be over the line

but to be fair i never said it

to be fair i never inked it 

so let your printer take the credit. 

-Harry Le Sabre

Happy Black Friday: sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens!

Chapter XIV: Livin In America

Mountain View

Article I: Survival

i. at this point i hope you can do the whole "Roman Numeral" thing. life is hard for us one child left behind children, so at this point you might want a college degree. however, this can be acquired via high speed internet nowadays available at many local laundry-mats, so if your homeless, at least have a laptop. regardless of where we stand, we're probably still on Facebook. 

ii. yes; the Bastard States are still part of U.S. say what you want about Alaska, but the Hawaiian Islands have a revolutionary history, and have only been adopted to the family for 51 years. although, as a special History Geek Side Note: we have had Pearl Harbor for 135 years as a Military Base, which of course was bombed 18 years before Hawaii became a State (equivalent to Guantanamo Bay getting air-raided today), which of course was our Lusitania to the Second World War, or as the Royal We like to call it; the 'Not-So-Great War'. fact check that as you will. 

iii. the Hawaiian language has only seven consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, and W). this makes the language much, much easier. take for instance the state fish; Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. piece of cake. say it with me: 

Humuhumunukunukuapua'a...

iv. its not that people are lazy here in the Hawaiian Islands. its just that We've never heard a love ballad about not doing anything all day on the local radio. 

v. Hawai'i, the island, is the biggest island at the size of Connecticut. rains are tropical. so is the sun. pack: sun-screen (waterproof), board-shorts, standard medical supplies, your Chief Science Officer, lots and lots of cheap bread from off Island, surf board (2 per person max), a good Eel hacking knife, a 'good luck' beaver, rain poncho, mosquito repellent, white flannel trousers (one pair), and at least a good book or two. but trust me on the sun screen. 

vi. Vog. ever heard of it? i had to look it up. sulfur dioxide, which of course spills from Kilauea (thats our friendly local Volcano) at 2, 500 tons per day, reacts with sunlight, oxygen, dust particles and water in the air to form a mixture of sulfate aerosols, sulfuric acid and other oxidized sulfur compounds. why should you care? why don't you tell me? 

vii. its not that the Island is only 1/3 'white'. its not that the Island only has 698 'black' people. its not that 26.7% of the Island population is 'Asian'. its that the population of the Island is roughly a third of Madison. however you want to look at, its kind of hard to be 'the minority' seeing as 'the majority' is kind of a joke. although it should be said; your probably still a haole. 

viii. there is no "day light savings time" here. thats right. despite common belief, the sun has not gone out, God has not turned these people into pillars of salt, and life in the Hawaiian Islands continues even more normal than on the mainland where you have to wake up after midnight and change your clocks twice a year. here, the Islands run on something called "Hawaiian Time" (see iv.), but keep in mind a broken clock still reads the correct time twice daily. don't you feel in control now, hmmm?

ix. there is a large Bob Marley influence on the Islands. therefore all radio stations will play a popular hit, followed by a Bob Marley cover/version Hawaiian Style, then another hit song, and then a Bob Marley original. this repeats all day; everyday. 

x. hopefully by this point you've realized We're going with the whole "intelligent fool" thing rather than the "scrap everything and become a genius" option. 

Enter Character(s) X: Freaks of Nature

These two too true Freaks from the Kickapoo Valley arrived here after proper scouting excursions to set up base camp ,complete with a travel guides, purely for the purpose that your humble narrator wouldn't have to. They now work on improving their 'eco-friendly' sustainable homestead, striking home the message that if your going to drop off the grid: at least have high speed internet. 

Tedd will occasionally be caught in paradise wearing full sleeved clothing due to mosquitoes.

Noelle aims to get her Grateful Dead Bear "Hawai'fied".

Diggitty is partially deaf and can't climb onto newly varnished porches.  

Kila knows when Diggitty is getting attention that was meant for her.

All of the above are kama'aina. That's right. Look it up. I had to. 

Adventurize with Character(s) X.

Article II: initial disappointments

i. firstly; its spelled 'lei'. secondly; it is not some local tradition that all the local natives swarm the large machine that just appeared from the sky only to serenade you with ukuleles and shower your neck with flowers. it really is a paid service that you have to arrange beforehand. so anyone hoping to crack the joke they got 'leied' the moment they set foot on Hawaiian soil might want to keep that in mind. 

ii. yes, palm trees grow in clusters. despite what California's well lined boardwalks would have you believe. 

iii. there are no native large land animals here. besides people obviously. you will find horses and ranches, but the largest purely wild mammal here is the mongoose. actually funny story behind that actually (see below).

iv. funny story behind the mongoose: like the Cane Toad in Australia, the mongoose was introduced to the Hawaiian Islands to help combat the rats eating the sugar cane. of course, the paradox being that rats decimated the sugar cane nocturnally, whereas the mongoose hunt by day. hence, the mongoose ignored the rats decimating the sugar cane and began to spread through the islands and decimate the exclusively local song bird population. go U.S. 

v. lava souvenirs are not sold in Gift Shops. in fact, not only is it a crime to remove any sand, coral, or lava rocks from the Hawaiian Islands, there's also a curse against it. 

vi. grass skirts and coconut bras are not as common on the Hawaiian Islands as you may, or may not have, hoped. 

vii. local haole's are even more dismissive and hostile to you for being a tourist than the actual natives who's families actually have been here for generations.

viii. you are still in America. McDonald's is here, alive and well; and in fact will serve you spam for breakfast. 

ix. there are tree frogs here, but as an invasive species, they aren't as well loved here as they are on the mainland. 

x. however surprisingly; there is no Inter-State Highway here in Hawaii. i'd guess there's probably not one in Alaska either. but i can't say so from personal experience. 

Chapter XIII: Somewhere, Over the Ocean

Hilo

Article I: getting there

i. Hawaiian Airlines. just trust me on this one. there may be trash barrages. there may be 7:30 am flights to Honolulu through Alaskan Air. they may even be working on some sort of teleportation system. At the end of the day, its probably at least a 5 hour flight through at least one time zone.

my advice would be go with the airline thats named after your destination. just a thought.

ii. The closer you can be to your destination (i.e. West Coast/Alaska) the shorter your flight will be. however, notate the time zone change (i.e. they already have for your arrival time), or be disappointed to find out your half way there when you thought you were about to land.

iii. Honolulu International is a half open air airport. this mean you will experience the warm humidity of the islands and probably see your first beautiful Hawaiian biology in the un-beautiful scenario of an airport.

iv. furthermore, you do not get the glorious birds eye view of the Islands you would hope for and expect. keep in mind the window is the size of your face, your thousands of feet up above thousands of miles of Pacific Ocean, and the sun will most likely be directly overhead, reflecting off the wing directly outside your window, and probably directly into your eyes.

v. on your flight over, you will learn several native words, like "aloha" (hello, goodbye, love) and "mahalo" (thank you), in their most patronizing of forms.

vi. there is a complementary meal (don't get exited) and many, many complementary drinks from the fully equipped beverage cart. although there are hundreds of people on your flight and maybe four complementary bathrooms.

vii. there is an in-flight movie. they do rent you mini televisions with cable access and home movies. you can bring your own laptop. all things considered, don't be surprised when your sitting next to some one watching Sex in the City for five hours straight.

viii. once you reach the inner-Island flight, don't worry if your ticket doesn't have a seat assignment and just says "See Clerk". Just worry because you never noticed it before.

ix. ticket stand-by is not available for people who don't have the privilege of telling other people they work for the government.

x. there may certainly be a law out there about busking in the airport, however; apparently, there is no law on the Hawaiian Islands about sitting on the carpet by the gate and playing your guitar through important announcements.

Prelude: Genius of Creation

in Hilo

Any intelligent fool can make things

bigger,

more complex,

and more violent.

It takes a touch of genius

-- and a lot of courage --

to move in the opposite direction.

Albert Einstein

Exeunt all.