Chapter XIX: Crazy as a Coconut

Somewhere in the Between
Article I: Life, the Universe, and Everything


i. Don't Panic/Forget to Bring a Towel.


ii. the universe contains a finite amount of life and infinite amount of space. any number divided by infinity is zero, therefore the population of the universe is zero and any one found within it is merely the product of a delusional imagination. however, if there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it shot dead. 


iii. Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again..' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

Soliloquy V: Thrice the Third Time

Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time;

y'all knocked her up. 

I have tasted of the maggots 

in the mind of the Universe 

and was not offended. 

For I knew: 

I must rise above it all
or drown in my own shit.  

-Ford Prefect

Article XXXXII: Everything else 

i. actually, Meth doesn't help you hook up. the best drink in existence, is in fact the Pan Galactic Gargle-Blaster. the effect of which are like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick.

ii. Pluto isn't actually really a planet. on Earth, we figured this out around 400 years after we discovered the Earth was not in fact the center of the Universe, how to flush toilets, and invented the pencil.

iii. Scientology has its own yacht. E-Meters read positive that it flies in space. 

iv. Wasabi has a distinct taste difference to Guacamole. However, if you mix in some tomato and onion, its probably hard to tell the difference visually. Furthermore, a little sign with "This is in fact Guacamole" printed in nice friendly letters, it will probably completely dispel any visual, and literally legitimately literate, disbelievers. 

v. you can only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent. If that doesn't work for you, you'll just have to play with yourself. the  solution to the riddle of the sound of one hand clapping is probably masturbation.

vi. there is no business like show business. be it Green Screen or iambic pentameter, these people are just ridiculous. Google, however, can provide you with the script to Hamlet. in case the infinite number of monkeys hadn't worked it out yet. 

vii. Luck, as it turns out, is a real lady. likewise; Fate is a sour old bastard, Chance is a charming little girl, and ironically Destiny always gets whats coming to her. 

viii. when life hands you lemons, make lemonade and sell it right back with obscene mark ups. 

ix. meaning, as it turns out, is not something found, but created. faith, as it turns out, is not something given, but held. life, as it turns out, is not something understood, but lived. 

x. i'm not entirely sure, but i think my bones will be gone before the Styrofoam cup i threw away today.  

Chapter XVIII: an Actor Out Alone

Nowhere

Playbill: ONE-MAN HAMLET

The Cast:

i. Hamlet...                          ...as Himself

ii. Claudius (the King)...      ...Stabbed/Poisoned

iii. Gertrude (the Queen)...            ...Poisoned

iv. Ophelia (the Rook)...                ...Drowned

v. Polonius (the Bishop)......Dead for a Ducat/Dead

vi. Laertes (the Knight)...    ... Poisoned/Stabbed

vii. Ghost (King).....(Foul and Unnatural Murder)ed

viii. Rozencrantz (the Pawn)...             ...Dead

ix. Guildenstern (the Pawn)...              ...Dead

x. Horatio/Tragedians/Pawns...        ..also Hamlet

About the Cast:

A Slaughterhouse -Eight corpses all told! Real Horror-show like. It's what actors do best. They have to exploit whatever talent is given to them, and their talent is dying. They can die heroically, comically, ironically, slowly, suddenly, disgustingly, charmingly, or from a great height.

About the Author:

The Works of William Shakespeare are credited to the Earl of Oxford, Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, the Earl of Derby, William Shakespeare, and myself (depending on who you talk to).'William Shakespeare' appears in various spellings 6 times in a handwriting discontinued since the 1700s (see Ch. X). All things considered, it can be agreed the author is about as Dead as Elvis.

About the Director: 

Yeah, what about him?

The Play: ONE MAN HAMLET

Act I: Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

Enter Hamlet.

Ham: There we were: demented children mincing about in clothes that no one ever wore, speaking as no man ever spoke, swearing love in wigs and rhymed couplets, killing each other with wooden swords, hollow protestations of faith hurled after empty promises of vengeance- Oh that this too, too solid flesh would meld, thaw and resolve itself into a dew! And every gesture, every pose, vanishing into the thin unpopulated air; we ransomed our dignity to the clouds, and the uncomprehending birds listened! Don't you see? We're actors... We share an addiction: we're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch, the hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah, look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy! We follow directions. There is no choice involved. We pledged our identities, secure in the conventions of our trade, that someone would be watching. And then, gradually, no one was. We were caught, high and dry. It was not until after the murderer's long soliloquy that we were able to look around:

Reaching your head with the cold, 
sudden fury of a divine messenger

Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of God

Wandering, Wandering in hopeless night:

Out here in the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we IS stoned
Immaculate.

Blue Curtain.

Act II: The Death of a Salesman (Top of 16)

Enter Hamlet. 
He Fights. 
Collapses. 

Ham: In our experience, most things end in Death. Deaths for all ages and occasions! Deaths by suspension, convulsion, consumption, incision, execution, asphyxiation and malnutrition-! Climactic carnage, by poison and by steel-! 

Double deaths by duel-! So there's an end to that- it's commonplace: the rest is silence...

No.. no.. not for us, not like that. There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreampt of in your philosophy: 

I'm talking about Death- and you've never experienced that. 
And you cannot act it. You die a thousand casual deaths- with none of that intensity which squeezes out life... and no blood runs cold anywhere. Because even as you die you know that you will come back in a different hat!
But no one gets up after death- there is only silence and some second-hand clothes, and that's death! Dying is not romantic, and death is not a game which will soon be over... 

Death is not anything. 

Death is not.

It's the absence of presence, nothing more:

the endless time of never coming back, a gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it, it makes no sound.

Dies.

Black Curtain. 

ACT III: The Undiscovered Country (Thrity-Eight)

Enter Hamlet in different hat. 

Ham: I have heard, that guilty creatures sitting at a play have, by the very cunning of the scene, been struck so to the soul that presently that have claimed their malefactions. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are: fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ. The bad end unhappily, the good, unluckily. That is what tragedy means. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come? When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause:




There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. Shine on you crazy diamond, grunt and sweat under a weary life! Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, the enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I would more willingly part withal. 
Except my life. 
Except my life. 
Except my life. 
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.  

Red Curtain.

This is NOT an Exit. 

Repeat. 

Chapter XVII: Rockin' and a Rolling

Everywhere

Article I: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

This was civilization as I saw it, colossal and jagged…

        …where there was nature and earth, life and water, I saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. It was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. This was what I could understand, this was how I lived my life, what I constructed my movement around, how I dealt with the tangible. This was the geography around which my reality revolved:

i. it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one’s taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another person’s love or kindness. 

ii. Nothing was affirmative, the term “generosity of spirit” applied to nothing, was a cliché, some kind of bad joke. 

iii. Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. 

iv. What does intelligence signify? Define reason. Desire- meaningless. 

v. Intellect is not a cure. 

vi. Justice is dead. 

vii. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. 

viii. Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. 

ix. God is not alive. 

x. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in... 

There are no more barriers to cross. 

xi. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. 

xii. Is evil something you are? Or something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape.

xiii. But even after admitting this, and I have in just about every act I've committed- and coming face to face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge of myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing...

-P.B.

For there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

-E.O. 

Chapter XVI: We Got Fun and Games

Puna
Article I: overdoing it (a bit)

i. air-conditioning in December.

ii. Hawaiian shoreline is public access. that means that you can visit all the 'Resort' beaches free of charge if you live here. also, due to volcanic activity, there are Black and Green sand beaches on the Big Island. because God forbid normal sand isn't impressive enough.

iii. when on said beaches; don't be surprised if your wallet and phone are returned to you unscathed before you realize you lost them.

iv. three flags great America, where the fun doesn't really feel like getting off the couch today.

v. yes, holiday jingles are still played on the radio. somewhat ironically, it completely kills the mood.

vi. Christmas lights and giant inflatable snow people and Santa Claus' in Volcano National Park.

vii. sea turtles, monk seals, and other such marine wildlife have State and Federally protected 'personal bubbles' of 15-20 ft. please; do not ride the sea turtles.

xiii. Fuzzy, expensive, fashionable winter boots. when its eighty degrees and raining.

ix. todays fire risk level: EXTREME!!!

x.  Monarch butterflies. they migrate all the way across the Pacific Ocean just to be here. i haven't the slightest idea how. besides flying obviously.

xi. archipelago is pronounced with a short A and not a long one. don't believe it? look it up.

x. can you count suckas? i say THE FUTURE is ours- IF you can count!

Soliloquy(s) 3/4th: Far Mid-Quest

I feel ancient, as though I had

Lived many lives. 

And may never now know

If I am a fool

Or have done what my

               karma demands. 

  -G.S.

God give them wisdom that have it; 

and those who are fools 

let them use their talents. 

  -E.O.