Chapter XIV: Livin In America

Mountain View

Article I: Survival

i. at this point i hope you can do the whole "Roman Numeral" thing. life is hard for us one child left behind children, so at this point you might want a college degree. however, this can be acquired via high speed internet nowadays available at many local laundry-mats, so if your homeless, at least have a laptop. regardless of where we stand, we're probably still on Facebook. 

ii. yes; the Bastard States are still part of U.S. say what you want about Alaska, but the Hawaiian Islands have a revolutionary history, and have only been adopted to the family for 51 years. although, as a special History Geek Side Note: we have had Pearl Harbor for 135 years as a Military Base, which of course was bombed 18 years before Hawaii became a State (equivalent to Guantanamo Bay getting air-raided today), which of course was our Lusitania to the Second World War, or as the Royal We like to call it; the 'Not-So-Great War'. fact check that as you will. 

iii. the Hawaiian language has only seven consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, and W). this makes the language much, much easier. take for instance the state fish; Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. piece of cake. say it with me: 

Humuhumunukunukuapua'a...

iv. its not that people are lazy here in the Hawaiian Islands. its just that We've never heard a love ballad about not doing anything all day on the local radio. 

v. Hawai'i, the island, is the biggest island at the size of Connecticut. rains are tropical. so is the sun. pack: sun-screen (waterproof), board-shorts, standard medical supplies, your Chief Science Officer, lots and lots of cheap bread from off Island, surf board (2 per person max), a good Eel hacking knife, a 'good luck' beaver, rain poncho, mosquito repellent, white flannel trousers (one pair), and at least a good book or two. but trust me on the sun screen. 

vi. Vog. ever heard of it? i had to look it up. sulfur dioxide, which of course spills from Kilauea (thats our friendly local Volcano) at 2, 500 tons per day, reacts with sunlight, oxygen, dust particles and water in the air to form a mixture of sulfate aerosols, sulfuric acid and other oxidized sulfur compounds. why should you care? why don't you tell me? 

vii. its not that the Island is only 1/3 'white'. its not that the Island only has 698 'black' people. its not that 26.7% of the Island population is 'Asian'. its that the population of the Island is roughly a third of Madison. however you want to look at, its kind of hard to be 'the minority' seeing as 'the majority' is kind of a joke. although it should be said; your probably still a haole. 

viii. there is no "day light savings time" here. thats right. despite common belief, the sun has not gone out, God has not turned these people into pillars of salt, and life in the Hawaiian Islands continues even more normal than on the mainland where you have to wake up after midnight and change your clocks twice a year. here, the Islands run on something called "Hawaiian Time" (see iv.), but keep in mind a broken clock still reads the correct time twice daily. don't you feel in control now, hmmm?

ix. there is a large Bob Marley influence on the Islands. therefore all radio stations will play a popular hit, followed by a Bob Marley cover/version Hawaiian Style, then another hit song, and then a Bob Marley original. this repeats all day; everyday. 

x. hopefully by this point you've realized We're going with the whole "intelligent fool" thing rather than the "scrap everything and become a genius" option. 

Enter Character(s) X: Freaks of Nature

These two too true Freaks from the Kickapoo Valley arrived here after proper scouting excursions to set up base camp ,complete with a travel guides, purely for the purpose that your humble narrator wouldn't have to. They now work on improving their 'eco-friendly' sustainable homestead, striking home the message that if your going to drop off the grid: at least have high speed internet. 

Tedd will occasionally be caught in paradise wearing full sleeved clothing due to mosquitoes.

Noelle aims to get her Grateful Dead Bear "Hawai'fied".

Diggitty is partially deaf and can't climb onto newly varnished porches.  

Kila knows when Diggitty is getting attention that was meant for her.

All of the above are kama'aina. That's right. Look it up. I had to. 

Adventurize with Character(s) X.

Article II: initial disappointments

i. firstly; its spelled 'lei'. secondly; it is not some local tradition that all the local natives swarm the large machine that just appeared from the sky only to serenade you with ukuleles and shower your neck with flowers. it really is a paid service that you have to arrange beforehand. so anyone hoping to crack the joke they got 'leied' the moment they set foot on Hawaiian soil might want to keep that in mind. 

ii. yes, palm trees grow in clusters. despite what California's well lined boardwalks would have you believe. 

iii. there are no native large land animals here. besides people obviously. you will find horses and ranches, but the largest purely wild mammal here is the mongoose. actually funny story behind that actually (see below).

iv. funny story behind the mongoose: like the Cane Toad in Australia, the mongoose was introduced to the Hawaiian Islands to help combat the rats eating the sugar cane. of course, the paradox being that rats decimated the sugar cane nocturnally, whereas the mongoose hunt by day. hence, the mongoose ignored the rats decimating the sugar cane and began to spread through the islands and decimate the exclusively local song bird population. go U.S. 

v. lava souvenirs are not sold in Gift Shops. in fact, not only is it a crime to remove any sand, coral, or lava rocks from the Hawaiian Islands, there's also a curse against it. 

vi. grass skirts and coconut bras are not as common on the Hawaiian Islands as you may, or may not have, hoped. 

vii. local haole's are even more dismissive and hostile to you for being a tourist than the actual natives who's families actually have been here for generations.

viii. you are still in America. McDonald's is here, alive and well; and in fact will serve you spam for breakfast. 

ix. there are tree frogs here, but as an invasive species, they aren't as well loved here as they are on the mainland. 

x. however surprisingly; there is no Inter-State Highway here in Hawaii. i'd guess there's probably not one in Alaska either. but i can't say so from personal experience.