Chapter IV: The Ocean Breathes Salty

Florence
Article I: Camping

i. Don't panic when you forget silverware. Cafes and similar eating establishments do not keep tyrannical tabs on theirs.

ii. Plates are a different matter. Don't panic. Just whine.

iii. When picking up canned food left on the side of the road; first, check expiration dates. second, check to make sure the word "irregular" is included nowhere within the description.

iv. After picking up canned food on the side of the road, at least attempt to be unsurprised when you set up your tent next to the homeless person who put it there.

v. when padlocking valuables inside your tent: make sure your tent has only one door (the padlocked one).

vi. the area you are selecting to sleep on is guaranteed to be more comfortable when you are simply standing on it.

vii. ATV drivers are assholes. RV drivers are simply overcompensating.

viii. in the woods, it is unwise to leave things like granola unattended. plastic bags are ill defense.

ix. when a sign at an ATV trail says "not suitable for walking" it is not suggesting it is impossible to walk; it is simply and wisely suggesting that it is rather damn difficult.

x. if and when you reach the Pacific Ocean on a designated ATV beach, it will most likely be deserted. Pay attention to nature, for apart from the ATVers that roar by with tunnel vision and scare it way; it will manifest itself in delightful and silly ways.

Enter Character III: Homeless Mike
Homeless Mike camped next to us for two nights and built campfires the same fashion as Anders Lewis.

Mike smokes TOP cigarettes, although agrees Zig-Zags are the best papers for rolling; tobacco or otherwise. (TOP is "proudly made in the USA" whereas TOP papers are shamefully made in France)
Mike is 59 years old with a grandchild or two, hitchhiking around Florence, and camping in the redwoods.
Mike once almost bought a bike shop for $25,000 dollars loaned from his brother. the deal failed as neither the seller nor his brother (with the money) took him seriously. Ironically, the bike shop was called Mike's Bikes.
Exit Character III.

Article II: Smoking

i. Its not that only 17% of Oregonians smoke cigarettes, its that only 17% of Oregonians admit to smoking cigarettes.

ii. Smoking is everywhere a basic union. Pack properly (no pun intended).

iii. Smoke breaks are a great way to meet people. Please note a majority of these people will be degenerates.

iv. There is a short gap between smoking legal substances and illegal ones. There is also a gap in how ciphered you think your hinting humor is and how completely obvious you are being.

v. Only you can prevent forest fires. More likely, only properly equipped personnel can put them out once that's failed.

vi. Smoking causes lung cancer (ect.) but with all your cell phone use and microwave exposure, I'd be more worried about brain or testicular cancer. Studies show (all things considered) you will probably end up dead.

vii. A pack of Turkish Royals and a pack of Camel Filters total $10.80 exactly. That's right mid-West: be jealous. Be very jealous.

viii. It is more economical to roll your own cigarettes. though not as fun.

ix. filters really are just one big scam.

x. When you see a tool shed with multiple windows all card-boarded up in a quaint Oregon neighborhood: your first guess is probably right.